“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” -Pema Chödrön

It’s never good enough, and it won’t be at this point in your lives. You walk into his bedroom and he has those jeans on you really like, so you stare at them and let it slide one more time. He doesn’t know what he wants and that’s not his fault, he’s never had to be this for anyone before, in his life, neither of you has ever had to be this for anyone.

Last week at about 2 pm you received a text and it’s really descriptive and lengthy, at least on your tiny Verizon EN-V touch screen. It becomes clear real quick that this message was definitely not meant to be sent to you, in fact, you probably should have never known anything about this, “confession” because it’s all about you and two of your best friends oh, and your boyfriend.

Awkward, tragic, horrific, hilarious. That’s how I’d explain an idiot of an ex-boyfriend who confesses that he got with two of your best friends, to you on accident. Whoops, big-fucking-whoops. The worst part is that you’re in class and you are trying to hold back this insane cackle because you literally can’t even. You sit there and wonder how your life hasn’t been filmed because your relationship might as well be a cliche-reality TV series. So you text back something that is short, clever, and concise which demonstrates just how fucked he really is.

Have you ever dated someone that felt like a drug? Some one whom absolutely built you up, then tore you apart so much, leaving you with nothing but a terrible comedown, that you just keep going back for more? I pushed aside my phone and walked home that day, knowing that although I was crazed and pissed, our relationship wouldn’t falter, not too far at least. After all, we loved each other. Drug addiction is an internal battle. It’s you and only you who can pull yourself from the fire. When you can’t go one more day without the high, you crawl back to the thing that in the end, is killing you. No one can help you with the addiction because at the end of the day it’s you, standing alone and facing your own voluntary destruction. By the time you realize it’s time to walk away, you’re reeled back in because you want to feel that high of being desired just one more time.

So you stand there and stare at a boy or a girl, who is tearing you apart. You are both tearing each other apart. It’s mutual destruction because it isn’t right, not now. But you convince yourselves it will be different, you can make this work, you can change each other. So I stare at those jeans of his I love and look into his brown eyes, which do have so much love for me, I know that. But he can’t show it, not now. I need him though and know I will eventually figure this out. So I let it slide, just one more time.

“When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.” –Dean Jackson

No one life is spent perfectly. Each day we are changing, evolving into something bigger than ourselves.

Certain changes come slower than others. Someone may be living a life that appears effortless on the outside, but you have no idea the trials they have overcome to get there. Imagine yourself. You are 5’7 in the 5th grade. Trying to fit in with all of the other girls in school. No one really understands your jokes because you’ve matured so much more quickly than they have. Now imagine being the only girl to not get invited to the big birthday party on a Saturday of your first year of middle school. Shitty, isn’t it?

I spent a majority of my earlier years on the outside. It’s so funny telling this story to the people in my life now because they can’t envision me as a dorky, insecure, awkward 12 year-old girl. But that was my reality. I always struggled to find a good group of friends. I tried to fit in with the girls in school, but they just never wanted to include me. I grew up quickly realizing that I wasn’t important. I would float from group to group, seeing if I fit in with any of the girls’ groups at lunch, but I just couldn’t get in with any of them. I had crushes on guys, who when they found out, quickly turned away from me. I always had one close friend but they were only so close. I was confused, I thought I had a good sense of humor, I liked being around other kids, I just couldn’t find the answer to why I wasn’t being accepted.

Flash forward to fall 2008. My first day of high school. I found out that I was relatively athletic, got my braces off, and opened up to those around me. I fit in. Soon I had everything I had ever wanted, a great group of friends, a boyfriend, and I was on the volleyball team. The girls who had been rude to me evaporated into the 4,000 person student body, and were quickly forgotten. I branched out and showed people the person I really was, and it paid off.

Throughout those four years, my eyes were opened to the trials those around me were facing through the trials I had faced myself. School wasn’t as great for some people, I saw the dorky girl with dirty blonde hair and braces everyday, and I promised myself that I would never treat someone the way I had been treated in the majority of my earlier years.

You never know who someone is capable of becoming, or who they already are, if you are constantly judging the person for what they are on the outside. Some of the coolest people I have met and befriended are people that aren’t necessarily the most popular, athletic or smart individuals, but they are all so special to me because they are unique. I had friends of mine ask me why I would say “hi” to this quiet, freckly boy everyday at school, and I just shook my head and laughed because I had had the most amazing conversation about Zelda with him in history class. They would give me weird looks and keep talking about some guy on the water polo team, and I’d smile because they had no idea what it was like to go through life invisible

“You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.” -Fight Club

Holding back. Can you think of a moment in time when you have been guilty of keeping yourself from something you truly desired? I can.

Growing up, It was just my parents and I. I woke up early with my mom every morning to go to school because she worked and had to drop me off about an hour before my school opened to make it to her job on time. My dad worked insane hours and still does, going to work at 3 in the morning. Getting up at six, as a 7-year-old was normal. I’d watch my mom get ready every morning and as I got older, I mirrored everything she did. At sixteen I’d get up at 6 and fight her for the bathroom, (we had a tiny 2 bedroom single bath apartment at the time) do my hair and pick out my clothes then drive myself to school.

We are all brought up a certain way and what we go through and what we watch as an example is a big part of what molds us into who we become. I loved that my mom woke me up so early as a kid, It made me utilize my early hours and learn how to be punctual. But along with all of the little things my mother taught me growing up, I inherited a lot of her habits and a certain way of thinking.

As I’ve gotten older and gone off on my own, I’ve learned that not everything we’re raised to believe is true. My parents are incredible and have taught me so much about myself, and how to be the best I can, but growing up in such a small family turned me into them. Growing up around anyone for twenty years can make you into those who surround you. It’s amazing to have such influential role models to look up to. But when is it the time to realize that this life is yours and that the way you think, and decisions you are making are holding you back from bigger things?

I recently had a conversation about selfish and unselfish views and how you  make more of one than the other.  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d made a selfish decision, just for me. I grew up constantly wishing to please the other people in my life and when I got to college I realized that a lot of those decisions were effecting my life now, and I wasn’t happy and couldn’t accept some of the outcomes. So the big question is when is it okay to be selfish? When you find yourself with a decision that will alter your way of living, you need to look deep within yourself. Reflecting on what your friends or family will think sometimes needs to not be the priority, which is hard. It’s natural to want to make everyone around you happy, but there comes a point when you have to put yourself first.

It’s never going to be the right time, if you keep waiting around for the right time to fully indulge in something you’ve been waiting to do your entire life, you’re going to wait your entire life to do so. The next time your friend asks you to take a vacation, or you get a job that moves you to a foreign location do it. I’ve watched too many opportunities slip away because I was too afraid to jump. Do things for yourself, it’s one of the most important things you need to do in this lifetime.

“The curse of the romantic is a greed for dreams, an intensity of expectation that, in the end, diminishes the reality.” -Marya Mannes

What exactly are your expectations for a relationship? Do you have any? Do we ever consider that maybe these expectations are too high? Maybe they aren’t even existent. Throughout life, we grow up watching TV shows and movies that give us hope that maybe our own Lara Croft is out there, and while a chick with perfectly shaped tits wearing no bra isn’t too far fetched today, Angelina Jolie is a pretty unrealistic expectation from a chicks standpoint. Or maybe we think that we might just have to headhunt JT for GQ and he’ll close out Union Station to profess his love for us.

Or do we?

Subconsciously I’ve realized my expectations of relationships have shifted, as I’ve gotten older. I’ve been on both sides of expecting too little and expecting too much. I think our expectations grow through experience and through our own self-esteem. We expect a reflection of ourselves, and when our other half strays too far from that, we panic. When they reflect us too much, we panic. So how do we find our, “person” if we’re caught up in our own presumptuous “perfect” expectations?

The answer is we don’t expect. We can’t. Through out my short years of dating experience, I’ve learned that expectations are the worst thing to bring in to a relationship. The best relationships are the ones we didn’t see coming, the ones that come to us naturally and that’s why they flow. I’ve realized the more relationships I’ve been in, the more expectation has become a factor. Going from someone you have learned to love, learned all of the things that make them, them; it’s hard not to carry some of that with you into the next relationship. When we begin a new relationship and it’s not as great or it’s great for new reasons, we don’t always know how to handle it. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t expect one man or one woman to be the way someone else is or was. Everyone has their own identity and forcing them to be what you think is “perfect” is an awful process.

I’ve watched two of my relationships crumble under both evils: being expected to be something I was not and expecting someone else to be something they’re not. When you love someone, you find yourself trying to do everything in your power to make that person happy When they make you feel inadequate in some aspect of life, or you realize they prefer something different, you try to become that. Sometimes you don’t even realize how much you are willing to change for someone until you entirely lose yourself. Whether it’s something as simple as your hair color or as complicated as your religion, changing something about you, that makes you, you is a flawed concept. By the time you’ve changed entirely to fit someone else’s expectations, you’ve lost yourself. When the relationship falls apart you are left with all of these scattered pieces of who you were and who you were trying to be. Piecing yourself back together is that much more difficult because you can’t even remember who you were before the relationship.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, I am guilty of expecting someone to change for me. You don’t even realize what you are doing until it pushes the other person over the edge. I think you’re entitled to expect some things from relationships: they should respect you, make you happy, and take care of you. When you invest your time and emotions in someone else, you usually know that person pretty well, so why we nit pick things later down the line is really a reflection of ourselves, not them. By the time we’ve force-molded them into our ex, or our fantasy we made up from a rom-com, he or she is already out the door. And when you finally realize what you did, they’ve moved on.

Expectations make us predetermine what we want before we even know what we want. If you are seeing someone and they aren’t for you there isn’t much of a point to trying to rearrange their cells and alter their lives and universe to fit us. We live in a world of false standards of how men and women should act, look, and live. If we weren’t constantly expecting and started accepting, I think we’d find a lot more success in every relationship we have whether romantic or not. And if you find yourself in a situation you aren’t comfortable in, being manipulated to be something you know you’re not, step away and start over. In the long run, it’s healthier for you, and your partner.

“This is my secret,” he said. “I don’t mind what happens.” -Eckhart Tolle

With October comes the looming Halloween theme of fear. Everything get’s more spooky as the leaves change and the cold sets in. This month really got me thinking about what “fear” really means, not only in the sleeping with the light on sense but in our everyday lives. What are people really afraid of?

Yesterday, I walked into a library full of students and faculty I didn’t recognize. This was great because I go to a school with a little over 1,200 students so to not see a familiar face was a rarity. I decided last night before bed that I was going to ask twelve strangers what their ultimate fear in life was. Most people close to me have answered, “spiders” and that’s why I chose to interview strangers instead of friends. You see, when you ask someone close to you to reveal an area that is debilitating or an area of vulnerability about their lives, they aren’t as likely to open up. You’d think because you are so close that they’d want to reveal their weaknesses when in reality, it’s the exact opposite. The following list is compiled of testimonies of twelve willing people I stumbled across on a Wednesday morning:

1. “I won’t leave anything behind. That what I am working for won’t matter”

2. “I’m really afraid of dancing. Every time I get asked, I want to, I really do. Just couldn’t bear the humiliation if I did it wrong..”

3.“I’d have to say anything involving puppets or dolls… my sister used to have a lot of them in her room, I swear their eyes followed me”

4. “I fear death, honestly. You never know when things are going to happen”

5. “I dunno, It takes a lot to scare me. I’m pretty brave not gonna lie. Actually, bats. I really don’t like bats”

6. “Getting old. That’s scary”

7. “I don’t much like change. I think that’s probably what I’m most afraid of. Big changes”

8. “That one day I will look at these bookshelves, and realize I never took the time out to read but spent fifteen years working in a library”

9. “Not finding someone. I don’t mind living alone, but I would truly love to share my life with someone”

10. “Not learning enough to get a job. Actually getting a job, in general, I’ve never worked for anyone outside of my family so I hope I’m okay at it”

11. “I really get scared driving. Especially in the winter time, anything could go wrong in an instant”

12. That I will have spent the good parts of my life being too afraid to do the things I want. To look back and find that I’ve spent the majority of my life doing what I should and making other people happy before myself.

Interesting right? We all walk around and pass people who have all of these internal battles every day. All of these fears, some which you would never guess someone had. Number twelve was my own fear and while I have many, I hope to face them every day in order to avoid accepting them as my reality. Fear is a driving force which can either make us deeply miserable or make us successful. Having something to be afraid of gives me incentive every day to make sure I don’t let my fears overwhelm my abilities and true love for life. Each of these individuals shared what they were really afraid of, to me, a stranger. Some were easier than others to speak with but they each admitted there was something deep down which scared them. The worst thing about fear is that if we live under the umbrella of doubt it casts, we will never be able to step out from under it and feel the rain, feel our lives and what they are meant to truly be. So I urge you, remember that everyone around you is probably just as afraid if not more afraid of the things we struggle with every day. Our fears just amount to how much we are letting them control, it is up to us to do something about them.

“Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything.” -Plato

On my first date with a guy he handed me his old white fifth generation ipod in the car and said, “you pick the music”. I was already nervous enough, now this guy was asking me to choose the music on our way to lunch. I sat there with the ipod in my clamy palms and scrolled through “Artists”. There was some Red hot chili peppers, Pepper, nine inch nails, blink 182, spoon… a relatively impressive selection.

At the time I was just starting to go out in high school and my friends and I had watched a dreadful Rebelution concert (sorry not sorry). I couldn’t remember if this guy had been at the show but I noticed a lot of my friends had a great time, so I scrolled to “Rebelution” and played, “Safe and sound”. As soon as the song came on I turned to my date with hope that he would be nodding approvingly. Luckily he immediately made the same awful face I had made when actually seeing Rebelution in concert and demanded that I changed it. I’m sure I turned bright red and quickly explained myself. I rush-scrolled to Blink-182, one of my favorite bands and played, “First Date” cause I though I was real cute and clever. He loved it and over time we realized our music compatability was more than on point.

So what is it really saying about you if you actually enjoy Rebelution?

Take a PlayBuzz personality quiz for what type of “music” your personality most aligns with and I can almost guarantee you will end up in one of these categories: Punk, Rap/Hip hop, Rock, or Pop. Now most of these quizzes are completely biased, they give you questions like:

What clique would you say you were in, in high school?

a. the punks

b. the goths/metalheads

c. wiggers/gangsters

d. Populars

e. marching band

f. rednecks/cowboys

g. I was in my own clique…

h. those kids who would breakdance, and freestyle rap…

Like are these guys serious? To me music is experience, and a lot of your music taste comes from the experiences you’ve had and endured. Personality does come in to play however, like if you’re someone who’s always tried to “fit in” you’re probably a big fan of itunes top100. So where does music compatibility come in to play when it comes to human interaction? Music is art. If you go to any museum I guarantee there are just as many people raving about that piece of rock in the corner as they are the Picasso on display. Why? Because art is open to interpretation. There is no difference in human beings. We all see one another in different light depending on our expiriences, our own biases, even the way we were raised.

Music taste, to most, is a minor attribute of someone. You aren’t going to stop hanging out with your best friend because she loves Miley. You’re probably not going to stop dating a guy because he loves Tyga. But when you do find someone who meshes with you musically, it really is life changing. Scream singing you’re favorite Chili peppers song is a bonding moment which you don’t come across every day. So if you make this connection, cherish it. We connect with all different beings for so many different reasons. I personally use music as a relatively big judgment call, not all chicks do. In my personal experience if you’re getting in the car with that douche from the gym who wears affliction on the daily and he’s blasting some awful rap, that’s your fault. People will surprise you sometimes, but in my opinion, you are what you listen to.

“Never love someone beneath your level of evolution. If you want a monkey, you can visit one at your local zoo.” -Shannon L. Alder

Cheating

No one wants to admit that they are unfaithful. We’re supposed to believe a relationship is sacred. Love is something to be cherished, something to be respected. What no one’s telling us today, is how easy it is to fall away from the traditional moral compass of a relationship.

So let’s rewind a little… I actually asked several of my friends when the last time they went on a date was, and I received a lot of blank stares. Some of my closest friends hadn’t even ever been on a real date. So is it our fault? No. Society has bred our generation to detach. There is no pressure to be a gentleman or a lady in our day in age because we can get away with so much more. I mean you can pretty much get any girls attention by liking all of her instagrams from 6 months ago (we see where you’re going with that, every time). So with instant communication comes the guiltless pleasure of a flirty message here and there; single or not, or getting away with that sexy snap chat to his friend (as long as your man stays your “best” friend of course). Technology has given us a means to live two separate lives, a great way to escape the feeling of guilt due to an electronic medium.

People aren’t dating anymore and that’s a reality. I think that brings a lot of the incentive to cheat, especially being in your 20’s. Why? Because relationships aren’t serious, plus we’re all lost and trying to figure out who we are and what the f we’re gona do with our lives.Now don’t get me wrong here, there is always the exception of course, but think about it, how many relationships began with you drunkinly kissing someone at a party? How can we not expect our partner to think it’s okay to do those things when they are in a relationship? Cheating is never okay, at least not in my book, but sadly it’s becoming more and more common and I’d say ultimately more accepted.

So what do we do about it? I’m not entirely sure. I think ethically it comes down to your code of what you are going to expect from your partner. If you guys aren’t on the same page and one of you sees other people because you think it’s okay… probably isn’t cheating. If she’s hiding her phone and not willing to let you sleep over as her boyfriend, that’s another story. Plain and simple if you have to investigate someone your with, it probably isn’t an awesome relationship. We are young, and as cliche as it sounds, we’re going to make mistakes. If you want prince charming, demand it. If you’re settling for that chick that you know get’s around, that’s your choice. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal, so if you’re down to let that slide you should probably be looking within for a far bigger issue. The more we force a higher standard, the more likely we are to get it in return, to get the best we have to be our best selves.

 

“We don’t want to turn the safety net into a hammock that lulls able-bodied people into complacency and dependence” -Paul Ryan

So there you are. Laying in bed next to someone you’ve known for a week (no judgments here), a month, maybe even years. This man is someone you’ve decided to share yourself with, physically, maybe even mentally (if you’re into that sort of thing). He rolls over and get’s out of bed to use the restroom. He is wearing purple lulu lemon breifs, and that’s when it dawns on you: he isn’t the one. Now this lulu lemon wearing, perfect-with-parents, shy-but-handsome smile isn’t a complete let down. He takes you to your favorite restaurant every Friday, watches football with you and your family on Sundays. But when you are with Mr. Lulu, he doesn’t ignite your inner desire to grow. He doesn’t test your limits and force you to evolve. He loves you for you and wants you to stay that you, he fell in love with.

Now you may be in a relationship with Mr. Lulu, and not even know it. These types of guys are a lot like those seeds that stick to your socks in the forest. Their little spires grab on to you, usually without you even noticing, and they stay there until you decide to brush them off, or wash your socks. These seedlings of men are just that, hanger-ons. They live to keep you in the safe zone. They like uniformity and routine. Why? Because they’ve been raised on it. Now don’t get me wrong, these guys are good, but thats about as good as it gets: good. Mr. Lulu is great post break-up, when you’re looking for a light connection, or even just for a good time. Do not trick yourself into believing he is it though, because before you know it the moment is good, the years are good, and suddenly your life has amounted to just that, “good”.

Mr. Lulu is safe. Plain and fucking simple: safe.

The safe guy is someone who can get away with a lot for a very long time. He can make you feel desired. He makes you feel loved but only just lovedenough. The problem here is not Mr. Lulu, it’s you. So you watch him strut into your bathroom, and one day it just pisses you off that he’s in there using your toilet paper. In fact, it pisses you off he is wearing purple underwear, (even though you worship the lululemon gods), and it really pushes you over the fucking edge when you watch him walk out of the bathroom, without washing his hands.

So you end it. Or he ends it. Or you mutually end it. After 5 years, 2 months, maybe even just after 1 week. Why? Because Mr. Lulu isn’t your soul mate, soul mates force us out of bed and make us face our demons. If it’s not making you grow or desire to grow, you are just standing still; watching Mr. Lulu walk into your bathroom, and use your fucking toilet paper.